What Matters
Be Kind
Love From Your Heart
Forgiveness
It had been eating at her for days. How could he? How could he?! Barbed wire squeezed her heart. Her shoulders and neck ached. Anger blurred her vision. It was too much—too much! She knew she was going to have to do something.
She took a deep breath. It’s now or never. So, she did it. She went right up to her husband and said, “I forgive you.”
“For what, pooky-pants?” I said without looking up from my book.
She just shook her head and walked away. But you know what? She felt better. Loads better.
What’s my point? Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. Holding a grudge torments no one more than it torments you. It punishes no one more than it punishes you.
Don’t believe me? Here are five life-changing reasons why you should forgive quickly, forgive freely, and forgive indiscriminately.
1. YOU’LL FEEL BETTER.
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
My opening example with my wife wasn’t a metaphor to make a point. It’s a fact. When you let go of your grudges, you feel it. And it feels good.
Forgiveness leads to improved mental health, lowered levels of stress and anxiety, fewer symptoms of depression, and improved self-esteem. That’s right. When you forgive others, you actually feel better about yourself. You feel stronger and freer and more at peace.
You’ll have healthier relationships, too. Obviously, the relationships with people you easily forgive will be stronger, but this applies to all your relationships. This is because anger, bitterness, and resentment are almost never contained. Your negative emotions with one individual will seep—like black, poisonous smoke—into every relationship you have, including your relationship with yourself.
2. YOU’LL BE HEALTHIER.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Anonymous
Physiologically speaking, forgiveness is great for your health. It has been studied time and time again. The more you forgive, the healthier you’ll be. The other side of this coin is the damage that holding onto grudges can cause, which includes increased blood pressure, a weakened immune system, and decreased heart health.
This is because your brain is incapable of determining between real and imaginary threats. When you hold onto a grudge, as far as your brain is concerned, the event that led to your grudge-holding is still happening.
What does this mean? Let’s say a loved one betrays you. If you forgive him or her, your brain moves on. The event is done, in the past. The stress of that event is gone, and your body is relaxed and able to produce feel-good hormones like serotonin and oxytocin. There is no threat—no fight or flight stimuli. If you do not forgive, if you hold onto that grudge, it is as if at every moment of every day that betrayal is happening. A literal living hell. After all, a burn wound cannot heal in a fire.
3. GRUDGES INHIBIT YOUR AWESOMENESS.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – GandhiI
t is impossible to be the-best-version-of-yourself while holding a grudge. It just is.What does this mean? It means that as long as you’re clinging onto that grudge, you’re sprinting in sandals. You’re rowing with just one paddle. You’re social-media-ing without hashtags (#TheHorror!).
The emotional stress caused by holding onto a grudge actually causes you to make poorer decisions—which means things can snowball for you fairly quickly. Bad goes to worse and you may not even realize why.
Parts of your life that have nothing to do with your grudge will be impacted. Maybe you’ll attribute it to bad luck, but it has nothing to do with luck. It’s a choice.
You are choosing a-second-rate-version-of-yourself over the-best-version-of-yourself. You are choosing misery over happiness.
4. YOU’RE GOING TO MESS UP, TOO.
“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” – Bruce Lee
For those who know me (or at least have been in the car with me while I was driving) know that I have a bit of a road rage issue. When someone takes their jolly sweet time turning at a left arrow—because they were probably selfishly texting!—I get pretty rancorous. White-knuckled and blood pressure surging, I may even let fly a choice word or two that best not be repeated here. But if I am distracted at a light (it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen) and I am the problem, I am quick with an apologetic wave. If other drivers are upset at me, they are clearly overreacting at my minor snafu.
This is a weird phenomenon. When we are trespassed against, the trespasser is an absolute monster and must be stopped at all costs. When we do the trespassing, it’s just an honest mistake. Oopsy-daisy, my bad! Carry on. We judge others by their actions; we prefer to judge ourselves by our intentions.
This is called the Curse of Knowledge. When you take an obscene amount of time at the register because you’re paying for that latte with nickels (seriously!?), you give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You know the whole story because . . . well, it’s your story. When you’re in line behind someone doing the exact same thing, you are miffed. It’s obnoxious to you, because—from your limited perspective—the inconvenience is arbitrary and inexcusable. You don’t have the whole story.
There are some people who are able to see the big picture. They forgive quickly. They understand that everybody is dealing with something—that life is messy. And they always give others the benefit of the doubt, almost to a fault.You know what they call these people? Happy.
5. YOU ARE INFLUENTIAL!
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
This one is so important and so overlooked, the title demanded an exclamation mark. You know what? No. It demands three exclamation marks. Let’s try this again . . .
5. YOU ARE INFLUENTIAL!!! Yep. That feels right.
Because people notice what you are doing. Yes . . . you!
You have more influence on those around you than you think, especially if you have kids. If you are slow to forgive or if you hold onto grudges, it’s contagious. Others will not only be more likely to hold onto grudges toward you, but also do so with others as well.On the other hand, if you forgive quickly and openly, people notice. They will see how you’re healthier and happier—even if they can’t quite articulate why—and they will be attracted to it. They will try to emulate it.
You matter. I encourage you to act like it.
6. FORGIVENESS =/= CONDONING.
“Forgiving means to pardon that which is unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all.” – G.K. Chesterton
Many people struggle with this concept. They think that if they forgive someone for their heinous shenanigans, they are condoning said shenanigans. That’s not true.
Forgiveness, at its core, is simply the act of acknowledging another’s humanity. We are all flawed. Wonderfully imperfect. Sometimes maddeningly imperfect. Some of us are more maddeningly, imperfectly flawed than others (just ask my wife). But nothing is unforgivable. You don’t have to approve of the wrongdoing to show kindness and love toward the wrongdoer.
Oops. Looks like that was actually six life-changing reasons to forgive quickly, to forgive freely, and to forgive indiscriminately—not five.I hope you’ll forgive me.
“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” – Alexander Pope
The 4 Essentials for Happiness
If you’re wondering how to be happy, you might be surprised by what I’m about to share with you.
There is no “secret” to happiness.
We all know the things that make us happy; we just don’t do them. We need reminders from time to time to focus on the things that will actually make us happy.
There are four areas that are absolutely essential to human happiness: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.
1. Physically, when you exercise regularly, sleep regularly, eat the right sorts of foods, and balance your diet, how do you feel? You feel fantastic. You feel more fully alive. You’re healthier, happier, and you have a richer, more abundant experience of life.
2. Emotionally, when you give focus and priority to your relationships, what happens? You switch the focus off yourself and onto others. As you do, your ability to love increases . . . and as your ability to love increases, your ability to be loved increases. You become more aware of yourself, develop a more balanced view of life, and experience a deeper sense of fulfillment. You’re healthier. You’re happier.
3. Intellectually, when you take ten or fifteen minutes a day to read a good book, what happens? Your vision of yourself expands; your vision of the world expands. You become more focused, more alert, and more vibrant. Clarity replaces confusion. You feel more fully alive, and you are happier.
4. Finally, spiritually, when you take a few moments each day to step into the classroom of silence and reconnect with yourself and with your God, what happens? The gentle voice within grows stronger, and you develop a deeper sense of peace, purpose, and direction. You’re healthier, you’re happier, and you have a richer experience of life.
Eating right, sleeping well, and exercising regularly are just a few ways to be a happier person. We all know the things that make us happy. But we don’t do those things.
Physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually . . . we know the things that infuse our lives with passion and enthusiasm. We know the things that make us happy. We just don’t do them. It doesn’t make sense, does it?
On the one hand, we all want to be happy in life. On the other hand, we all know the things that make us happy. But we don’t do those things.
Why? Simple. We are too busy. Too busy doing what? Too busy trying to be happy. That is the paradox of happiness that has bewitched our age.
Ready for a radically simple way to start making your life far happier very quickly?
What is one small step I can take today to improve?
Sit down for ten minutes. Ten quiet minutes. Be completely honest with yourself. How are you doing physically? What about emotionally? Intellectually? Spiritually?
How are you? Then ask yourself: “What is one small step I can take today to improve in each area?” Here are some simple examples:
1. Physically: Today I will eat a healthy lunch at my desk and then take a walk during my lunch hour.
2. Emotionally: Today I will call my mom on my way home from work.
3. Intellectually: Today I will find an interesting podcast to listen to on the way into work.
4. Spiritually: Tonight, before bed, I will sit somewhere quiet. I will relax my mind and write down four more steps like these for tomorrow.
Try this today and see if you have a better day than usual.
Make time for the things that actually make you happy.
If you feel like it works, then try it for a week. Then a month! You may be amazed at how much better you feel—physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually!
You might even consider doing it for a lifetime.Instead of asking yourself “How can I be happy?” try asking yourself “How can I make time today to do the things I know make me happy?”We have to start making time for the things that actually make us happy—before we run out of the time we have. So start today!
AUTHOR: Brad Torline
Choose to Pursue Success. Don’t Confuse it with Excess
Our hearts and souls long for greater accomplishments than the accumulation of material possessions.Think about it. Nobody sits across the table from another human being and declares their greatest goal in life is to own as much stuff as possible.
We dream much bigger dream for our lives.
We speak of significance and influence. We want to be known as good fathers and mothers, husbands and wives. We want to be loving parents, citizens, and contributing members to the people around us.
We dream of solving problems. We desire to use our gifts and talents and resources to make the world a better place. We want to know our lives mattered—that they stood for something bigger than ourselves.
We desire freedom and opportunity. We long to live our life in a way that is consistent with our personal values, engaged in the pursuits most important to us, and creating opportunity for others to do the same.
We think of love, hope, and joy. We desire to be fully-known and fully-accepted. We know the importance of hope in our own lives and desire to offer it to others. We pursue lasting joy in living a fulfilled life.
If asked to define “what does success look like in your life?” these are the attributes and descriptions many of us would use to answer that question.
We desire significance and influence and impact.But then we turn around and spend most our time chasing things that don’t matter.
We live in a world that has substituted excess for success. And we have too often fallen for the false substitute.
n a consumer-driven, possession-focused society, the demand for material possessions must continually increase. Our society works day-and-night to constantly manufacture discontent and need.
The advertisements surrounding us each day serve one purpose: Stir up discontent, hi-jack passion, and get us to consume more than we need.
Excess becomes our definition of success.
We begin to spend our hours earning more and more money. We spend our money buying things we don’t need. We waste our energy and our time caring for more than we need. And then we punch the clock on Monday morning just to start the process all over again.
But accumulating excess is a short-sighted goal. It is not what we desire most for the one life we get to live.
It is not a substitute for real success in life. In fact, most of the time it only distracts us from it.
Excess material possessions steal our money, time, energy, and freedom. Along the way, our definition of true success gets lost in the noise and accumulation of things we don’t need.
Rediscover your greatest goals in life. Reevaluate your most important pursuits. Define success for yourself.
Choose to pursue your unique version of success. And never confuse it with foolish excess.
What to Do When You Feel Lost (and a Little Scared)
Do you know where you’re going?There are days I feel full of purpose and drive, charging ahead and crossing off my to-do list with vigorous enthusiasm. And then there are days that I feel . . . well, lost. I’m hit with the cold truth that adulthood doesn’t exactly look like an episode of Friends (that show has a lot of false advertising to answer for).
I don’t know why I’m here, where I’m going, or even who I am. It’s during these days that I question just about everything. My job, the town I live in, my proclivity for ending clauses in prepositions, my friendships, and pretty much every major life decision I’ve ever made . . . not to mention where on earth I’m heading (other than to the closest happy hour—ASAP).
It is during these days that I’m overwhelmed by hopelessness. I long for the safety and comfort I had as a child, which I’ve left behind. I wish the weight of responsibility wasn’t quite so heavy, or at the very least, that I had a map which directed me to where I was meant to be, to safety.
It is ironic that, as young children, we are impatient for the days when we will finally be “free.” When we can finally go wherever we want, be whoever we want, and do whatever we want.
Allowing ourselves to dream is how we become inspired and find direction. Have you dreamt about what kind of person do you want to be? Milestones like getting your license, turning eighteen, going to college, and turning twenty-one are often eagerly anticipated as glorious occasions.
Until, sooner or later, you are rudely awakened by all sorts of bills, the high cost of living, separation from loved ones, forty-hour work weeks (and no summer vacation whatsoever), car troubles, and the vast expanse that is the unknown.
On these days, I inwardly repeat over and over again: I just want to go home. I think I understand how Dorothy felt.The problem is that “home” as I knew it doesn’t really exist anymore. And I’m sure this is the case for most of us out in the adult world. Our siblings and friends have moved away. We can no longer depend on our parents to support us, and even they cannot protect us from the decisions we are faced with (although they may try).
If you’re having one of those days (or weeks or months) when you feel lost; or when you’re overwhelmed by responsibility and the enormity of life; or if you are unsure where to go from here, what you are supposed to do, or what you want . . . here is my advice.
STEP 1: EMBRACE THE DISCOMFORT
You don’t feel good. You may be on the verge of snapping and trying desperately to keep your bubbling emotions under wraps. Well, don’t. Suppressing emotions is widely known to be unhelpful and detrimental to your emotional and mental health. Feel what you need to feel. The more you fight it, the harder it will be to move on in a healthy way. If you’re at work or in another public place, go for a walk, sit in your car, or head for any other space you can get five minutes alone.
Treat your emotions as a guest in your home. You can let them in, observe them, spend some time with them, and eventually, one way or another, they will head on out.
You may not be able to do this in five minutes. But you can, over time, explore these difficult feelings by spending time alone in the classroom of silence.
Emotions are like children. The more we ignore them, the louder they get. And if you feed them after midnight, they turn into gremlins. Wait, that’s not children or emotions.
Anyway, if you’re feeling especially anxious or overwhelmed in this stage of life, take time daily to spend time alone and in silence, giving these unpleasant emotions your full attention and seeking to understand why they exist. During this time, journaling can be especially helpful.
STEP 2: PRACTICE PRESENT MOMENT AWARENESS
There is goodness where you are right now.Look out! The goodness is right behind you!It may not look or feel this way. The situation may seem dire from where you’re standing or your future may appear helplessly unplanned, however, I am certain that you have things you can be grateful for at this very moment.
We get ahead of ourselves thinking about an uncertain future, which is why we have to be grounded in what is reality—not fear about what could be.
Whether it’s simply the ability to breathe, a sunny day, an encouraging word from a friend, your favorite song, a good hug, a hot cup of coffee, an epic high five, a paycheck, a warm sweater . . . they may seem minute compared to whatever concerns you’re facing, but gratitude is an enormous factor to overall happiness and well-being. Practicing with the small things will make it easier to see all the good—big and small—that exists in your life.
If you are worried about what is going to happen (whether it’s with work, a relationship, a financial or health burden, or life in general), remind yourself of where you are right now.
Often we get ahead of ourselves thinking about an uncertain future, which is why we have to be grounded in what is reality—not fear about what could be. The more we practice present moment awareness, the more we are able to give our full attention to life as it is and not as we fear it might be. Fear does NOT equal reality. Unless you’re living in a horror movie. And if you do live in a horror movie, for heaven’s sake, don’t go in there!
STEP 3: DREAM A DREAM
It’s easy to get lost in the practicality of the everyday, and then suddenly it’s five years later and you find yourself dissatisfied and discontent with your life.
Allowing ourselves to dream is how we become inspired and find direction. What do you want to accomplish, personally or professionally? Where would you like to go? What kind of person do you want to be? What is quality would you like to develop?
If you need some inspiration, read a book, pick up a magazine, or think about someone you look up to. What about them speaks to you? What are you drawn to? What do you want your life to look like?
It can be as simple as learning how to cook (well) or as big as moving across the world, but our hearts yearn for the things that will bring us fulfillment and joy—and too often we don’t give these “heart things” a chance.
Make a list of things you would like to do, and pick one to begin with. You can do this in a dream journal (a plain ol’ journal for your dreams and goals). Write them down, evaluate them, and pick one or two to pursue at any point in time. How can you get started? What is a small, simple step you can take today? When do you want to achieve this goal?
Whether it’s saving ten dollars a week for a trip to Europe or inviting a few friends over for a small dinner party, we can and should pursue things that bring joy and meaning into our lives. We may convince ourselves that we don’t “need” these sorts of things or that they are not “realistic,” but it is our ability to dream which has brought every necessary change and thing of beauty into this world.
If you have no idea where to start, begin with these four questions:
1. Who am I?
2. What am I here for?
3. What matters most?
4. What matters least?
STEP 4: SEEK COUNSEL
Sometimes you just need to talk to someone. Choose wisely, someone with more experience and similar values to you is important. Peers are great, but very often they are not the best source of helpful, trustworthy advice. Instead, it might be a mentor; a pastor; a hilarious, gorgeous, intelligent woman who writes awesome articles; or just a friend who is a little more versed in the matter than you. Ask this wise person to meet you for coffee.
The process of unloading your struggles and talking through what you’re experiencing can be highly therapeutic in and of itself. You may also get some much-needed wisdom and perspective for what you are going through.
If you are experiencing severe unhappiness and anxiety, it might be worth seeking professional help in the form of a counselor or therapist. While there is a stigma around therapy, it is one of the most helpful and healthy things you can do (at least that’s what my therapist tells me).
As highly relational beings, we shouldn’t close ourselves off from the world when we’re going through something. It’s important to stay open and get help when we need it. A listening ear and a gentle word from someone who is looking out for you can go a long way.
STEP 5: CHALLENGE YOUR MINDSET
“An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.”- Gilbert Chesterton
This quote has stuck with me and is one I bring to mind often when faced with the frustrating, tedious, and uncertain parts of life. Life is an adventure. It’s not an easy drive that you can mindlessly cruise through. It’s full of highs and lows, challenges, beauty, goodness, and heartbreak.
You’ll never have it all figured out—none of us do. But you do have the ability to choose. To choose what kind of person you want to be, and what you would like to do with this short, precious life. You also have a calling, should you choose to accept it (though this calling won’t self-destruct in five seconds, probably). A mission you were specifically created for that will make you a-better-version-of-yourself, bring you joy and fulfillment, and make the world a better place (cliché, but true).
Even if you’re facing something particularly difficult or simply feel at a loss for why you’re here, find comfort in this truth: you were made for a purpose, and no one else can fulfill it.
The world needs you and all you have to offer. You have immense value in who you are—brokenness and all. Don’t let fear and discouragement rob you of this fact. It’s okay to be down, just know that the moment will come for you to get back up. The world needs you to.
AUTHOR: MIRANDA RODRIGUEZ
Miranda is an enthusiast of all things Catholic and has been communicating Catholic values with her writing through her personal blog since 2014. She is passionate about using beauty to bring people closer to Christ and to help them appreciate the genius of the Catholic faith. She also loves photography, music and chocolate covered donuts. Follow Ms.Mirandakate on Instagram.
God is Love….Choose to Love
A turning point in my life came when love became my default choice for twenty-one straight days. I wondered what opportunities might open up. I wondered what connections might be repaired. I wondered what moments I might capture that I would have otherwise missed. I wondered who I might become.
For twenty-one straight days, I showed up to love—and as you might expect, it wasn’t always pretty.
Sometimes I showed up to love without a smile.
Sometimes I showed up to love feeling ugly, worthless, and inadequate.
Sometimes I showed up to love alone and scared.
Sometimes I showed up to love when I didn’t know what I was doing.
Sometimes I showed up to love when it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Sometimes I showed up to love even when I had a lot on my plate.
Sometimes I showed up to love when my patience was gone.
Sometimes I showed up to love when I had no love to give.
Despite the obstacles… despite the excuses I could’ve made… despite the pressures and distractions of the outside world… despite the mean voice of my inner critic, I continually showed up to love. Why?
Because I never left the same way I arrived.I always walked away a little lighter … a little more at peace… a little more hopeful… a little more grateful… a little more joyful. I found that love was always the right choice. I never once regretted choosing love over all else.
So I showed up to love again
And again
And again.
That repeated action changed me.
Instead of…The One Who is Always Too Busy
The One Who Overreacts All the Time
The One Who Rarely Slows Down
The One Missing All the Fun
I became known as The One Who Always Comes to a little girl whose opinion mattered more than the world.Making it a habitual practice to choose love changed my inner fiber, the wiring of my brain, and my entire life perspective regarding what was important. Thus, I’ve come to believe there is one single action that has the power to transform our lives: CHOOSING LOVE—choosing love as much as humanly possible.
Despite the progress I’ve made over the years, my journey to live my best life is far from over. I am a work in progress, consistently seeking to become a more loving, more present, and more grateful version of myself. Lately, I’ve been feeling like there is more joy, connection, passion, creativity, conversation, and healing waiting to be grasped. Given the negativity and divisiveness permeating our country right now, I can’t think of a better time to make a habit of choosing love. Therefore, I am committing to a Choose Love 21-Day Challenge. Perhaps you’d like to join me…
Why Choose Love?
There are so many reasons…
Tackle an extra hour of paperwork or love?
I choose love.
I will be more productive after taking a much-needed break.
Scream at the driver who just cut me off or love?
I choose love.It will be better for my blood pressure as well as the impressionable ears in the backseat.
Read a text message at the stoplight or love?
I choose love.It could save my life, my loved ones’ lives, and spare me from taking a life.
Hold a grudge or love?
I choose love.
Let resentment be someone else’s lifelong companion.
Say “I can’t play with you” or love?
I choose love.
Seeing her smile as she sets up the game fills me with a sense of peace I can’t find anywhere else.
Get in the last word or love?
I choose love.
Our words will be better heard when we both cool down.
Rant about the spilled milk carton or love?
I choose love.
Spills can be cleaned up; broken hearts are harder to mend.
Post a picture of the present moment on social media or love?
I choose love.
I will remember it more vividly if I capture this moment solely with my eyes.
Complain about the way she’s dressed or love?
I choose love.
By loving her “as is,” I will encourage her to shine her unique light and be herself.
Berate myself for messing up or love?
I choose love.
Accepting my humanness offers my loved ones the freedom to be human too.
Today I will choose love.
Tomorrow I will choose love.
And the day after that, I will choose love.
If I mistakenly choose distraction, perfection, or negativity over love, I will not wallow in regret. I will choose love next.
I will choose love until it becomes my first response … my gut instinct … my natural reaction. I will choose love until it becomes who I am.
My friends, consider the possibilities for a moment: What might result if love becomes your default choice for 21 straight days? What opportunities might open up? What connections might be repaired? What moments might you capture that otherwise might be missed? Who might you become?
Instead of…
The One Who’s Always Too Busy
The One Who Overreacts
The One Who Never Listens
The One Who Rarely Slows Down
The One Who’s Always Grouchy
The One Glued to the Phone
The One Missing All the Fun
The One Who’s Given Up
You might just become The One You Always Wanted to Be…
A Good Listener
A Thoughtful Noticer
A Generous Forgiver
A Take Your Timer
A Belly Laugher
A Risk Taker
An Adventure Seeker
A Silly Grinner
A Moment Grasper
An Enjoyer of Life
Why? Because good things start with love.Show up to love today.
Don’t worry about what you look like or what yesterday looked like.
Just show up to love.
Something tells me you’ll walk away a little better than when you arrived.
Then do it again.
Written by Angel Chernoff
Dear God,
Above All Else….
